Most child rearing experts will agree that a three year age difference between siblings is ideal, but when divorce and remarriage are so prevalent in our society, it is not uncommon to find a ten, fifteen, or even twenty year difference between the oldest and the youngest sibling.  And, so it was at our house.  When the “ours” version of yours, mine, and ours was added, my children were ten, nine, and almost seven.  At first, I didn’t see much of a problem with sibling rivalry.  That may have been because the new baby was almost doll-like to the kids.  As time went on, however, the age difference seemed to increase and sibling rivalry became obvious.  When the children argued, rather than the younger becoming more sophisticated in her reasoning, the older ones actually became less mature.  I found myself wondering where my sixteen year old had gone.  They all acted the same age as the baby.  And, as the older siblings got older, my little one became more precocious than I liked.  The influences of teenagers made her far more aware of the opposite sex.  At five she wanted to wear make-up and wear crop tops like “Sissy.”  She wanted to watch the same TV shows the big kids watched.  And, her language?  Hearing, "That sucks!" come out of the mouth of a five year old did not make me happy. 
     I secretly felt I had to protect the “baby” from her older siblings.  When there was an altercation you could hear me say, “She’s only four.”  Or, “she’s only five.”  One time, in complete exasperation, my then seventeen year old bonus daughter looked at me and said, “When she’s older are you going to say, “But, she’s only twenty?”  Hmm, that got my attention.  
     By trying to protect the “baby”, I put the older kids in the position of resenting the younger one.  This is a common parenting mistake.  Obviously pampering one child over another, whether it is because the child is merely a baby or not, is perceived as a huge injustice by older kids.  “Mommy likes the new baby more.”  I had to quickly change my disciplinary tactics and set a good example or else unknowingly, my reaction to this new baby was driving a huge wedge between family members.

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Tips on Dealing With Kids With Huge Age Differences.

Jann Blackstone-Ford is a certified mediator who specializes in divorce and family issues and the director of Bonus Families™, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorce parents and their new families.  www.bonusfamilies.com.  She is a wife and mother of two children, plus the bonus mom to two bonus children.  Jann has written three books on the subject of divorce and parenting, My Parents Are Divorced, Too ,and Custody Solutions Sourcebook, and Mid-Life Motherhood, published by St. Martin’s.  Email Jann at jann@bonusfamilies.com

Some of this article was borrowed from Jann Blackstone-Ford’s new book,  Midlife Motherhood, published by St. Martin’s Press. A version of it, with a stepfamily twist, can also be found in Stepfamily Magazine, January/February 2003.